I should have realised right when I started 2016, that living through a year is a marathon, not a sprint. In the sense that just starting out with a lot of energy and enthusiasm is in no way a guarantee that you will make it through the year the same way. In fact, the over excitement is usually followed by you running out of steam mid way somewhere, and then wondering what went wrong.
I am not complaining, atleast at the moment. I have been complaining a lot otherwise, but the rant modes are usually followed by these brief phases of introspection, and this is just one such phase. We were taught the concept of the ‘mood elevators’ at one of those mandatory soft skill training sessions at work, and it spoke about the various moods a person goes through while encountering a particular situation – and how there is a pattern, or an order to it. How, if you give it enough time, you will always move from hopeless, frustrated and angry, to understanding and insightful eventually. Eventually being the keyword, because sometimes, one waits and waits for that eventual sense of calm only to be encountered by yet another situation that drags you back to cynicism.
I realise, as I type this , that most of this stress and annoyance is work related. But then, we do actually spend a big third of our awake hours physically at work, which in turn ensures that we are mentally at work for almost the entire awake time. And that ofcourse has an obvious impact on each and every interaction beyond work as well. Which sucks, because now you have let work take over your life. Which is something you promised you would never, ever do may times before. But it just happens I guess, it’s pure math and science – this whole what you do the longest will obviously penetrate your subconscious and mess around with your brain, whether you like it or not.
Other than that, there is also the guilt of leaving things undone, half done. When the year started, I ensured I had jam-packed my days and hours with things I wanted to do. I had a plan. I had way too many plans in fact. And now, with just a quarter of the year to go, I stand no where. Nothing is even close to how it should have been, or how I wanted it to be, the latter more than the former. Which again gets me back to the theory of unhappiness just being the result of expectations being greater than reality. And considering there is apparently no limit or clarity to what I expect from life, this only makes things way tougher to handle.
So 2016, you have let me down. I want you to get over now. I know you will say that you gave me a lot of fun stuff too, what with all the travel and food and the fun with The Dude and Zo, but on a total level, somewhere, somehow, for no particular reason – you have disappointed me.
Or maybe I have disappointed myself. But it is just so much easier to blame someone else for it.