I feel like I will forget how it feels to wear heels very soon. The thought makes me sad.
My back hurts, and I have trouble breathing at this moment. Has to be my posture, but it annoys me. Any physical discomfort annoys me not because I cannot bear it because I feel I do not deserve it after all the effort I put into keeping fit.
The weather is so good but I did not step out. So instead of feeling happy about the good weather, i am choosing to lament the missed opportunity of stepping out.
I am at a crossroads, a fairly depressing one at that, professionally. And even though I have always told myself that I will not let anything to do with my job or work effect anything else in my life, definitely not my mental health, I am totally letting these feelings take over. And now I am unsure of what I am more annoyed with – the situation, or the fact that I have let it impact me this way.
As I typed the last lines, I actually laughed. I sounded so sullen, and so stubborn. Like a child who is unclear of what she wants, and has generally decided that nothing’s working for her and Oh God the world’s so unfair.
The thought of clothes and sales and things gave me a lot of superficial joy in the past and I reveled in it. And now even looking at my closet is enough to drive me to tears. Ok, tears are a bit too much, but I do huff and puff and walk away.
I have stopped reading any sort of news, unless it is an article refuting the more prevalent negativity around. Like I have spent a lot of time reading about how this whole ‘third-wave will impact children’ is utter bullshit as per medical experts, and I feel like whacking whoever comes up with this nonsense, assuming it will generate some sort of fear and make people stay safer. Yeah, because more fear and sad thoughts of a doomed future is exactly what we need right now. Terrible.
I also read that kids below 5 don’t need to wear masks. And those below 11 can choose not to. And I know I will still make Zo wear it for a while, but just reading this helped me a bit mentally.
I got my first jab a couple of days ago, and reacted with all possible side-effects for the next 24 hours. And I felt terribly sick and exhausted. And then, just as the 24th hour happened, everything vanished. The aches, the pains, everything – poof! Gone, like Cinderella.
I want to get out and go somewhere.