Thoughts.

I feel like I will forget how it feels to wear heels very soon. The thought makes me sad.

My back hurts, and I have trouble breathing at this moment. Has to be my posture, but it annoys me. Any physical discomfort annoys me not because I cannot bear it because I feel I do not deserve it after all the effort I put into keeping fit.

The weather is so good but I did not step out. So instead of feeling happy about the good weather, i am choosing to lament the missed opportunity of stepping out.

I am at a crossroads, a fairly depressing one at that, professionally. And even though I have always told myself that I will not let anything to do with my job or work effect anything else in my life, definitely not my mental health, I am totally letting these feelings take over. And now I am unsure of what I am more annoyed with – the situation, or the fact that I have let it impact me this way.

As I typed the last lines, I actually laughed. I sounded so sullen, and so stubborn. Like a child who is unclear of what she wants, and has generally decided that nothing’s working for her and Oh God the world’s so unfair.

The thought of clothes and sales and things gave me a lot of superficial joy in the past and I reveled in it. And now even looking at my closet is enough to drive me to tears. Ok, tears are a bit too much, but I do huff and puff and walk away.

I have stopped reading any sort of news, unless it is an article refuting the more prevalent negativity around. Like I have spent a lot of time reading about how this whole ‘third-wave will impact children’ is utter bullshit as per medical experts, and I feel like whacking whoever comes up with this nonsense, assuming it will generate some sort of fear and make people stay safer. Yeah, because more fear and sad thoughts of a doomed future is exactly what we need right now. Terrible.

I also read that kids below 5 don’t need to wear masks. And those below 11 can choose not to. And I know I will still make Zo wear it for a while, but just reading this helped me a bit mentally.

I got my first jab a couple of days ago, and reacted with all possible side-effects for the next 24 hours. And I felt terribly sick and exhausted. And then, just as the 24th hour happened, everything vanished. The aches, the pains, everything – poof! Gone, like Cinderella.

I want to get out and go somewhere.

This and not really that

Unsweetened peanut butter (protein rich, the box says), with powdered jaggery. Self-justified indulgence.

The end of your daily run, when you have stopped the tracker on your watch, and are walking slowly back home, sweating heavily, while other runners who are still on their rounds pass by. Exhaustion and victory.

End of the day, when you settle with your mug of tea, and switch on the most comforting show you are watching these days, while your brain is planning the next day. Peace and anxiety.

Friday evening, when you have filled your beer mug and settled down with some amazing music, and the phone notifies you that a meeting to discuss ‘issues’ has been set up for Monday. TGIF and IDGAF.

Monday noon, and you have a had a good lunch, and you think a nap will help, but the Monday meeting is in an hour’s time. Ok, I’m off to sleep and see you on the other side.

Numbers girl

How many steps did I walk today?

I am 8 books behind schedule already, how will I reach my reading target!

Should I do the 45 minute workout routine or should I try the whole hour?

How is one Tbsp of peanut butter more than a 100 calories?

That was 3 drinks, should I be having a 4th?

If I don’t sleep right now, I will not get my 7 hours of sleep.

Damn, I hope I can maintain my running pace at less than 6:45 per km.

I have to finish 5 rounds of the community before I head home.

I need 30 minutes to get everything ready for dinner, so should head home accordingly.

How can I be 3 kilos up just like that!

I am sure I can have that extra square of chocolate if I walk for another 1.5 km.

How did everything add up to 1400 calories, I hardly ate a thing!

Who ordered this smart scale and what are all these numbers!

Gifts

Someone gift me

1. A white chikankari kurta in georgette, preferably full sleeved, or sleeveless. Which I promise I will wear for the next 4 flag hoisting ceremonies – 2 Independence and 2 Republic days.
2. Cute planters for succulents – minimum 2, maximum – I leave it to you
3. Succulents for these planters
4. Tips on how to not let your succulents die.
5. Fairly lights – would be good if you have tried the brand or something. I don’t want them conking off too soon.
6. Unfinished – a memoir – it’s available on Amazon, and I don’t want the Kindle version. Because I am not able to get myself to buy it, but I want it, I want it!
7. Wide, large coffee mugs. Something like the ones I got in Ikea last month (there is a picture on my Instagram feed on the right) – but not the same. I would like prints of some sort, or basically anything, but it has to be with large rims. I leave the rest to you, you can surprise me.

Yeah, that’s about it. Let me know if I should send you my address. Thanks in advance.

Kodubale

When the Dude and I got married, one of our favorite things to do was grocery shopping. We had been living on independently for a while, and had sort of managed homes with flatmates etc., but it just isn’t the same as your own home I guess.

So come Saturday, we would set out to the nearest Food Bazaar and stroll around with our cart, and fill it with the essentials for the week. And some non-essentials. Mostly in a 20:80 ratio. But without fail, we would return with bags full of stuff that made us happy and put big smiles on our faces.

We thought this was a phase, you know, the whole ‘playing house’ thing, which would eventually become an annoying chore – just like laundry and dusting and cleaning up after dinner (true story). But, surprise! 14 years this year, and this, is still a ritual.

The stores have changed – from Food Bazaar to Spar, to Hyper City, we moved to Star Bazaar and Pune and back to Hyper City in Hyderabad, before it got changed to Big Bazaar. Now, we have a new place – Star Hyper market, which has established itself as our bi-monthly mecca for home supplies, and most importantly – deals. Because when you enter this store, for the entire length of the wall to your right – from when you enter, until you reach the vegetables, you find deals, and really good ones.

So not unlike before, we spend a good part of our stroll next to this wall, peeking at everything available at a marked down price, and wondering if we need it. If we do, we pick it up. If we don’t we sigh and let it be. And when in doubt, we pick it up anyway.

Given the items in this rack – these days we are always well stocked with dried cranberries, apricots, superfoods like seeds and mixes, unsweetened peanut butter, organic jaggery, millets – all items that we might have overlooked in general, but now that they fit the pocket (and our belief that look! Healthy stuff!), they find a place at home. Then ofcourse there are the chips and fries, and chocolates (oh, the deals on chocolates!), soan papdi, mysore pak (you get the drift) – stuff that we would have picked anyway, but now do, just in bulk, because, come on, why not?

At the end , after billing, we stand for a couple of minutes, and look through the list, feeling so smug, so smart, at having gotten all these ‘deals’. And then we push our heavy cart, over flowing with stuff (the ratio of essentials to non-essentials still the same) to our cart, with big smiles, and a bigger credit card bill. But trust me, the joy is real.

By the way Rice Kodubale is this crazy tasty snack, I think from Karnataka, that we have been picking large party packs of every week – only, there is no party. But it is at 50% off. So.