One flew over the Pigeon’s nest

Dear Pigeons inhabiting the balconies and windows of our apartment,

I swear I am tired. I am a nature lover, I am. I love all things green, and respect all of God’s creations. I accept that I do not understand the purpose of certain creatures (like lizards, to be precise, I have no clue what purpose they solve in the environment, or the food chain. I mean, fine, they eat insects, yay, but who even eats them. They are very purposeless, but let’s not digress), but I still respect their existence, and maintain a dignified distance if they decide to co-inhabit my home.

But birds, I always liked, sincerelt. They are pretty, and chirpy, and nice, right? No harm to anyone, living on trees, laying eggs there, flying around where no one really goes, so there is no need to honk because they are sleeping in your path (like this brown eyed dog on our road, who I believe owns that street) or strolling across the street (like that herd of buffaloes on this huge road, who just decided to stop and look around at the oncoming vehicles, while we tried to make it to work on time). You guys know what I am talking about right?

Right. Then what is with this new found attitude I ask. If you act ignorant to what I referring to, think again. There is a lot that I have been noticing for a while.

First, ok, so 2-3 pigeons I understand, 10-15 pigeons, I don’t understand really, but I still go ahead and accept. But seriously, have you seen the number of you that have invaded out building? Have you?  Too many I think! Ok, so it is raining, so all of you form this row right outside the TV room’s window and sit is it? Do you know how scary it is to open the window now? Let me tell you. Very. Especially, when all of you look magnified with your ruffled feathers, and choose to stare at me with those big beady eyes, there is no way I can keep that window open. Ever.

Then, coming to why there are so many of you. Have you ever heard of family planning? Ok, so the first time I saw eggs in our bedroom balcony, I was all like ‘Awww, pigeon babies, aww’ and there were babies of course, except the mom went berserk every time we even tried to peep at them and would attack quite viciously. So we stopped. Fine. And then, we reopened after quite some time, when the chirping stopped, and we were sure you were all grown up and gone. Only to see what? Two more eggs! That cycle has been on  for a while, and that door can never be opened now. Do you know how stuffy it gets when there is a power cut? But no, why should you bother! You’re too busy in mass production aren’t you?

Also, the new found angry birds attitude. We are not pigs who stole your eggs. We are nice people who are letting you be. Ok, we are scared people who are letting you be. Then, why in the world does it sound like you are launching yourselves against our door every morning? What’s with that incessant flapping, and short, explosive sounds? I get the little ones are practising the art of flying, but isn’t this a little violent? I mean, assuming from the sounds of course, no one actually has the guts to open the door while you are out there. And don’t deny it, we even found a broken glass bottle there. We being our poor household help, who we pleaded to check the status.

And lastly, do I ever enter your home? I mean, one peek and you attacked us the way you did, but do you ever respect my need for privacy? Don’t act like you don’t remember, I am talking about that day when I was sitting at the computer, and you very comfortably flew in through the window and settled on the bed next to me. Do you know I could have had a heart attack right then? Or tripped and fallen on my way when I rushed out screaming? And what did you do? Made that weird guttural noise, and blinked. Like it was the most normal thing. It was not. I swear. I still can’t get over it.

So, all I was saying was , I will be leaving this place soon. And I wouldn’t be bothered as much by you guys at the new place guess. Can you fly 19 floors high? Anyway, that being said, do note that chimneys inside the kitchen are not good places for making out, you can actually get hurt. And also, remember, the next set of people here, might not actually be as patient and nice with you as we are. Though honestly, I wouldn’t mind if you gave us our life back for a little while, when we can open doors and windows without bothering as to who would storm in.

Till then, take care, and give a thought to my complaints, if you can, that is. I would never dream of bugging you with my life’s little issues.

A very hassled, newly pigeon-phobic,



53 thoughts on “One flew over the Pigeon’s nest

  1. Ha ha ha… one of the most hilarious posts I have read in a long time. I love pigeons but yes, I don’t have them all around my house. So I am sure your complaints have concrete ground. I hope they are heeded to soon. 😀

    1. Thanks, but you’re laughing at my misery 😦 😦
      I actually was most thrilled when they first made a nest in our balcony, it’s only when they began to take over our lives in general, did I notice the evil side! 😮
      Fingers crossed! 😀

      1. asha

        why blame the pigeons
        why cud u not put a net on ur window to enjoy the fresh air n cud c if there are any pigeons
        to shoo them away
        n if u cud c everyday at ur balcony u shud have not allowed in the first place to make the nest
        n tell me where ur house is cud have been a tree where pigeons lived n that tree was cut to make the building, so where do the pigeons go when there abode is destroyed by some greedy developers

        1. Dear Asha,
          What to do? The world is split that way! On one hand we have peaceful, understanding , nature loving awesome people like you, who have such good and positive thoughts and are so concerned about all living beings alike. On the other we have greedy developers, and ofcourse, mean people who can only rant about pigeons dirtying their houses, without giving a thought to putting up nets, not letting nests being built, and then having the audacity to put up a post like this in the name of humor. But like I said, we are not lucky to enough to have the world made up of only one kind of people, are we? So peace.
          *Ooh inspiration for another post, this comment is!*

    1. The flapping is SO scary! Which is exactly what the mommy pigeon did when we tried to open the door last, it was not a good sight, me screaming and running around! 😦

  2. ajay

    Ha ha 😀 Awesome! A whole post dedicated to the pigeons! Shows how much you love them. 😀 They have roused me from sleep many a times by their sudden flapping and guttural sound. But I don’t mind. 🙂

    1. Sigh. I was once like you, happy in my world where pigeon’s sounds meant there was nature around, but that was before their reality was revealed 😮

  3. Will it help if I tell you that this is seasonal and that given a month or so they will fly away to some other place? (And no I won’t tell you that they show up at the same place year after year, same time 😀 )

    For me the scariest part if they enter the house was to run and shut the fan before they hit it in panic and I had blood all over the room. Besides that I did not mind them. But that maybe because they came year after year to make babies around the house while I was growing up.

    PS: You will never look at MPK the same way ever again will you? 😀

    1. Oh yes, the fan! Actually, that is a very scary thought in itself. They are massive, so it would actually be extremely gory 😦 I don’t even want to think of it.
      We had sparrows in the house all the time, and somehow, the fact that they are so tony, made them far more adorable I guess. Pigeons, erm, I am doubtful. Plus this one episode of HIMYM convinced me that they actually are slightly angry creatures.
      Heheh, do you remember poor Monish Behl and Ajit Vachani’s fate in the end. they were pecked to their doom, Brrrr!

  4. Finally someone who gets me…Now do u understand why i am scared of birds…it’s all because of the pigeons…They are sick sick birds who shit like crazy, make babies, never leave once they make a nest and act like your house is there’s. No fear of humans, violent. Move away…they are worth shifting your house over!

    Phew…Rant over. I feel i wrote this post – except i couldn’t have written it as well. But yeah the rants are 100% same as mine!

    But i am much more scared than you.

    1. I am currently not getting into the shitting bit. In our last house, the landlords cut 500 bucks off our deposit, because the pigeons spoiled the balcony we never used , so u can imagine! 😦
      I am ok with smaller birds. I like sparrows, they are cute. But crows and pigeons are scary. Plus they are quite noisy!
      Er, too much modesty and all, but I believe you are one of my peers in rant posts :D, we specialise in those remember 😉
      I believe you Nuttie, I totally do. I am sure you will never venture into our balcony if you visited me.

  5. I love pigeons but not the ones you mentione I am more into homing pigeons.
    But yeah they make a mess for sure and my car has been feeling the brunt lately 🙂

    I hope you get to get rid of them

    1. 😀 Well, I am not sure I want to get rid of them either! But I sure don’t want them to hate me the way they seem to 😦
      The mess is a side effect anyway!

  6. hahahahha! DI I so feel for you…we used to have these pigeon problems in the previous house and trust me the noise they make on a silent afternoon when you are trying to nap, is SCARY..or the way they stare at you with those eyes can give you night mares..

    or the droppings they put all over that balcony..its a never ending task to clean!!

    I so agree to you babes

    @Comfy: MPK had a dove not a pigeon 😛

    1. Hehe, I am glad I have company! Like I mentioned, at our place they seem to attack the door or something, it’s like a battle ground of sorts!
      And those eyes are scary 8-o

  7. Rofl post DI 😀 I hate pigeons too. Why can’t they just go extinct?

    When I was in school, Amma let one of those stupid creatures to make a nest in our balcony and lay an egg. Our balcony was converted into a maternity ward is all I can say.

    Anyway after the little one came out, it’s mother taught it to fly. The little monster would not learn. He was way too comfortable in our balcony to go out and get his food. Then his mother got fed up and left him in our balcony and flew away to never return.

    Now teaching him to fly was in Amma’s hands. The only other option she had was to keep him. She got all worked up already calling him a ‘dhandachoru’ 😀

    So every morning, when he would be sleeping before the sun came out, she would take the long rod with which we dried clothes and lift his tail feathers and scare him. Then he would flutter a little. Every few hours, she would go a throw cold water on him when he was not looking. He would flutter a little more. One week later, he flew away.

    Amma was mighty proud of herself that she can straighten all spoilt children 😛

    1. ROFL at the ‘dhandachoru’!! 😀
      I think the babies in our balcony need similar treatment, they look all fat and grown up but refuse to fly! Even if you throw water, they just flap, give you a look and settle down! It is a vicious cycle , it is, this whole egg business, never-ending! I think what your mom did actually is award-worthy! 😀

  8. This is one heck of a ‘funnily put’ post 😀 Loved it. And I echo all your sentiments about lizzards. It is as if they derive some sadistic pleasure in sneaking into my room to scare me off. Sometimes I wonder if it is their room now! Pesky bullies! What all we scared people have to put up with 😀

    1. Yeah, one, they are around, and two, they decide to do all kinds of precarious stunts like hanging upside down from the ceiling with the fan right below, while they are much above their aberage Lizard BMI, I am sure! All the while you wonder when they are going to fall, and chopped pieces of them fly around in the house. Ok, i am now totally grossed out by the image 😦 😦

      1. 😀 Believe me when I say I have envisioned such a thing happening whenever I find a lizzy (thats what my sister calls them. Its her weird way of making them seem less scary to me! Duh!) on the ceiling. Most of my childhood prayers had a trailing: ‘And please, take away all these lizards to your heaven’! I always knew I would land up in hell 😛

  9. 😀
    I was tired and thinking of not commenting today. But what the heck, that was ROFL funny. I totally know that feeling of moving from “awww” to “uggghh”. The number of time my Mum scolded me for going all “oh pijju. Baby”! I even clicked photos of their growing up days! And what did I get? A million more babies with that much more stink!

  10. I really know what you are going through coz even I stay on the 3rd floor and the pigeons stay outside our window too…. They really don’t know of a word like privacy…. Hugs babe…. From one pigeon phobic to another…. 😀

    1. 😀 Seriously, I tell you we should install cams in their nests and let them know how it feels! :S Plus, after all this, the arrogance of it all! Hmph!

  11. ROFL!! I can totally sympathize because my parents’ place has a lot of these too! and my mom is their part-time, self appointed savior. I sometimes have a feeling that they give me the smug look because they know that my mom wouldn’t let us shoo them away.

    i think you, me and subbulakshmistoned should form a therapy group, I think.

  12. Ha ha! How did you manage to weave such a lengthy article around pigeons? As always, I had a great time reading your post. Simply humorous. Better luck at your new place. 😀

    1. Hey Harsha! Glad you liked, both the post, and the template 🙂
      Oh, and I am glad the pigeons were able to elicit a reaction other than horror, thanks to your amusement 😉

  13. Rotfl…I’ve been petrified of pigeons right from the time I was a child.. My parents are to be blamed. They used my fear to an advantage and everytime I wouldnt sleep I would be told a ‘pigeon will take me away’.. They realise their mistake now and apologise, but its too late. If I see a pigeon within a few feet of where I am standing, I scream and run… They just are so scary right?

    1. They are they are! But I like the concept of pigeon will take u away! Atleast u were scared with something right there, making it more authentic 😉 Gives me ideas!

  14. hahaha..DI your situation is same as mine 🙂 my terrace hosts couple of pigeons and their 1 generation for 2 yrs now…I have delegated all the headache to my maid 😉 pigeons rarely show up while we are at home…but always leave behind marks of their presence 😛 😛 So babes just chill !

    1. Hey! Long long time! 😀
      Surprisingly, once i wrote this post, the birds seem to have taken some serious offense and stopped being guests 😉 Cool eh?

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