I think I am quite a grown up now. Think about, I have been working for almost 7 years, I have been married for almost 5, I have invested in property, and I have been a mother for 6 months. I worry about work, I worry about finances, EMIs, about the baby – food, poop, sleep,clothes, everything, I already worry about which schools we would apply to when it is time. In short, I actually think beyond which movie to go for over the weekend, or which Pub plays Bollywood music on Saturday nights. And if this does not scream grown up, I wonder what does.
In a way, life has settled into a sort of a routine. There is always something to do, and there isn’t enough time.At the same time, there is always a feeling that not enough is being done. This is a surprising revelation, considering I am a heavily change resistant person. This does not work in favour of someone who also claims to dislike monotony. It is oxymoronic. Or in even shorter terms, plain moronic.
Anyhow, like I said, I am in pretty settled mode currently. Owing to all the grown up things I just mentioned, life is in a theoretical state of bliss, contentment. If life were a game of monopoly, we are in a state where 20 rounds have been played already.Places have been landed upon and bought, and pretty good ones at that. Perhaps Park Lane, and Mayfair did not happen, but we did manage a Green set with Bond street, Oxford Circus and Regent Street. A lot of taxes were paid, but we did manage to also land on Community and Chance and make money. Houses have been bought, the 1st, 2nd and the 3rd, and even the Hotels have been set up. We also own Kingcross Station, or perhaps Liverpool. And now we are going around the board, round and round. We pay rent, we receive rent, we get our 200 pounds every time we cross Start. And that’s about it. Routine.
Or monotony. Like The Dude mentioned, it’s the ‘What next?’ syndrome which is causing these thoughts to arise. At this time last year, a lot of things were in the ‘work-in-progress’ mode. The house was to be set, preparations for the new arrival were to be made, there was always so much to do, way too much at times. Before that, the perfect home was being looked for. Weekend over weekend was spent looking for the house which would suit the senses and the pockets. Like I said, there was always something that had to be done, and all we would wonder was when would be reach a stage where it all got settled.
Now it is, thank God for that. But the fact that we were always on-the-go for something or the other, the ‘settled’ phase isn’t exactly doing it. There is this nagging voice in the head which keeps repeating ‘Now what?’ in this annoying nasal tone. The challenge is to ignore it, lest we do something impulsive, and then in all probability the same tone will go ‘Nananananana, gotcha suckers!’. That, would be disastrous.
But then the heart wants what the heart wants. Only in this case, the heart is quite unaware of what it wants. It’s like this little kid who came to our house the other day, and asked my Mom to take her to the kitchen because she wanted to see ‘something’. My mom took her in, and she asked her what she wanted to see, to which the little one replied ‘ I told you, show me something, I just want to see something, I don’t know what!’ It’s just like that, and it ain’t a pretty feeling.
Which is what makes getting what I want secondary. The first and the foremost need is to know what I want in the first place. Getting it, can be dealt with later. For all you know, I might come across Alladin’s lamp, and it will be sad if the Genie appears and asks what I wish for, and I am all like ‘ Er, let me think now, would you like go and wander around a bit till I make up my mind?’ I doubt that would work, guy has better things to do I am sure.
Or, I could make life much simpler and just use up that wish to know what I want. Now that, would be bliss. If only.