A letter to the past

Dear DI (22102011)

Hello! This is you. Me. Same thing, right?

Are you kidding me? Really? Look at you! On that bed the whole day! In that stinking nightgown! When was the last time you had a bath? Didn’t you read that a hot shower will do wonders right now? And don’t you know that just getting out of the bed and walking around a bit will do you good? And stop acting like the world is out to get you! It’s not! Ok, I get it, you’re in pain, but come on!

I guess I’m being judgmental. But then I have the “been there, done that” working in my favor right? I am talking out of experience here. So listen up, will ya?

That tiny thing squealing there? The one which is causing you all this anxiety? Well, let me confirm, she is indeed your daughter, who you brought into this world out of your own choice. No, it was not too soon. No, it is not impossible to take care of her. No, you’re not incapable of managing this responsibility. Breathe in, breathe out. It will all be fine.

I know, she is losing weight, and you think you’re the cause. Well, let me tell you, you will think you’re the cause for every tiny thing that ever happens to her. The bigger the thing, the more you will blame yourself. This is just the beginning. The weight loss will seem like such a tiny thing in the vast ocean this whole deal is!

She is crying because she is hungry, or she is scared. I know I am telling you this too late, but she’s just come into this big bad world right? And you have to protect her. Once again, no, you’re not incapable of doing that, so don’t give that sad, pitiable look.

She will be fine. I see her now, and man, let me tell you, you have a lot in store for you! Phew! This one’s a hurricane! She is just going to grow from this tiny bundle which can do nothing but shriek or eat, to one which rolls around where you leave her on the bed, to one who rolls around more, and falls off, and gives you a heart attack. She’ll will sit up at 6 months and crawl around like a monkey, stand and jump off the crib at 7 months, but The Dude will catch her, don’t worry, and she’ll take her first steps the day she turns 10 months old. Yep, on the day. And then there will be no stopping this little tornado, who will rush past you in milliseconds and will turn out to be the most effective cardio workout ever. You, by the way, will forget to write her 10 and 11 month updates and will hate yourself for it.

She has your eyes. Now, she is too little right? But she does have your eyes, and as some good friends say, your smile too. Her hair is The Dude’s, exactly like you wanted! Shiny, and straight! Super cool. And you have to see her doing this head-shake thing to music! The light bounces off her hair, like some protein enriched shampoo advert! Phew. That is going to break a lot of hearts, you watch!

Man, is she going to be a talker! Ok, I know this is early, but going by the current status and trend, no two ways about this. Those steroids you took when there was a scare in the 32nd week? To strengthen her lungs? Well, they’ve worked, I have to say! What volume! Those shrieks you hear now, those are just a trailer.

Yeah, so she will say Mumma fairly early. Cool huh? Around the 7th month I think! She starts with Thatha, you will  write about it, and goes on to Mumma and Papa. Oh ya, there is a brief Nana period, where The Dude will claim she is getting affected by the fact that she is in Gultland, and is actually referring to him. *Eye roll*

But right now, well, she has a decent vocabulary. Let me see, there is Beebil. This might refer to the duck on the book you’re trying to make her read, or anything else she likes. Yeah. Then there is “Bell”, which has to be pronounced with a Malayali accent. This refers to the ball, and balloons, which is cool. Then there is “Nanana” which is “Banana”. Hmmm, and whenever she sees a picture of Lors Ganesha, she does a “Jai” and says “Baaapa”. Really! Only, now she sees any picture and does this, but for now, we’ll manage! For the past few days she’s been stuck to saying “Balla”,and The Dude thinks this one’s going to be a cricketer. Eep.

She’s going to daycare now. For 6-7 hours each day. It’s good for her, don’t worry, she loves children! And the toys, being able to play, walk around without getting hurt, it will all do good to her. Plus, the fact that the daycare centre is in your office is a massive plus. So don’t complain.

No teeth. Yep, she’s taking after The Dude. No teeth, but the lady will want to eat everything! And she manages, so you’re fine. You have already taken her for her first International trip too. Talk about luxury!

You will leave her for 12 days and travel for work before she turns one. You’ll hate it. See, that insecurity thing you have now, about how your baby will not love you enough? Well, sorry, but it doesn’t go away completely. Zo will cling to you for a few months, and then all of a sudden you’ll have to travel leaving her, and you will die thinking she will forget you. When you are in Basel, she will have the time of her life back at home. Everyone will manage just fine. And you will feel not needed.

But, Tan Tadaan! Here is the cool bit, once you’re back, she’ll get back to clinging like you never left! She will be a good child, going to everyone, but when you’re there, well, no one will take precedence! Oh, unless of course they are taking her out. A little worrying ,that point is, but you handle it when it comes.

There is so much more to tell, but I don’t want to give out too many spoilers also. One big thing, you’re losing all that weight. I know, unbelievable right? I know you hate the fact that you gained like 20 kgs, and all you lost was a measly 6, and trust me it gets worse, and you’ll put on again, but guess what? You’ll start working out when Zo turns 6 months old, and in 4 months from then, Bam! You’ll be at your lowest ever! And of course, you’ll be super happy with that too.

Anyway, work will be ok. Like will be tiring. There will be something to do all the time, and still you’ll never feel that you’re doing enough. Sleep as much as you want while you have all the help at home, because that’s one thing you’re giving up. There is no concept of sleeping through the night in your world anymore, and it might sound crazy now, but you’ll manage that too.

Don’t be so depressed. It would help if you could talk to new mothers right now, because everyone goes through this apparently. Only, you will not until much later and then look back and say, man, that was not that big a deal afterall.

Only,it is actually. You’re a parent. And despite what you think, you’re responsible for that little girl, who fits into the nook of your arm right now. And in some months from now,  will cling to your legs every time you pass by. And bury her nose into your neck when she feels that you’re going away. Yep, this one’s a lifelong deal.

And at times, not necessarily when you are changing her diaper in the middle of the night, or running around her after a long day trying to get a few spoonfuls of food into her mouth,  you’ll realise how very awesome it actually is.

Enjoy each phase as much as you can, and don’t will for it go any faster. Because whatever is that you feel now, once it is over; the time you had, will just not seem long enough.


DI (22102012)


21 thoughts on “A letter to the past

  1. I often wonder which language my kid (whenever that happens) will learn – will it be Marathi (because my dad is), or Bengali (because my wife is), or Gujarati (because my mom is), or Telugu (because this is where I am) + English + Hindi!?!

    I just hope these kids don’t get lost in translation!

    Happiness to Zo!! 🙂

  2. Dear Zoe

    Often mothers come up with such letters just to remind children that they are super women. I bet if you ever get a kid you will do it too. and its true, all mothers are superwomen and so is your mom.

    See, she has done so much in so little time, even left you alone and gone on a trip by herself. Which just proves how much faith she has in you as an individual.When you grow older and enter your teens, you will be glad that you have a mom who looks at you as a different person and not an extension of herself.

    Proud to read your mom

    RM Masi

  3. DI, you show off you! Lost all the weight and more 😮 Don’t think I can get past that one.

    Zo is talking so much is she? How adorable is that! And must be so much fun for you. Enjoy it all and get ready for more, because it is coming. 🙂

    1. 😀 😀 Man, “I” can’t get past that 😉 That’s a high point in my decidedly shallow priorities in life!
      Yep, it’s been a riot! Now I get why parents do things repeatedly to just hear the lil ones spout the same words over and over again in their baby voice, sigh! 😀

  4. Wonder if my mom felt the same 😀
    Zo is lucky to have all these posts to come back to, when she grows a little older 🙂
    I feel the same about my baby sister (is that weird?) who turned 10 today.. wasn’t it JUST yesterday that she was born? :O
    Oh btw how about a pic of Zo? 😀

    1. 🙂 🙂 I know, it is actually a big plus we have this mode to store and save all that we want to!
      Will check your registered mail id and send you the pic! Still not too comfy putting it up on the blog 😦

  5. And how did I miss this post? DI, you are one awesome person, you know? I hope you do. I shudder at the thought of managing all that you are managing now. Big hugs and congratulations. You are and will remain a terrific mom. Zo and you are so lucky to have each other 🙂

    1. I know! Esp since you made me SO guilty for not doing a Zo post for so long! :S
      Anyway, here you are! 🙂 I definitely have all the emotional, and to an extent ‘technical’ support, but despite all that, it is VERY tough to have any time which is devoid of Zo related responsibilities. The positive, it is doable. I keep telling myself, that if I can do this, nothing else will feel tougher 🙂
      Thank you pepper! I do feel very very lucky to have this little one 🙂

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