Disclaimer : The following post contains mildly angsty, ranty content, and is not suitable for children younger than 5 years (because they won’t get it anyway), and people who have attained nirvana. Readership discretion is advised.
I am desperately seeking intervention at the moment, in the form of an entry into the Hallowed portals of Hogwarts, even if it is an affiliated branch, because it needs to admit relatively older folks, aka me. It is alright if their certification doesn’t work anywhere, and doesn’t get me an Auror’s position, because all I need is a few spells for personal use.
I know exactly what I need too, by the way.
So this spell basically is for the morons at my work place who think that used tissues in the washrooms need to be placed in a semi-crumpled state on top of the garbage bins. On top, and not inside, forcing me to assume that they in fact think that these tissue are actually some sort of a decorative item which they need to display for the next unassuming person who enters the washroom. This also has a domino effect, because none of the people entering later would in their right minds want to fix this, and this makes them pile their tissues in a similar fashion, so in about an hour, we have a mountain of disgusting used tissues, falling to the floor, to greet whoever comes in.
The spell, is to make these tissues, all of them, fly with an extreme speed, and stuff themselves into the mouth of the first defaulter. If there is more than one, it should distribute the same, equally, or as per the discretion of the spell itself.
This spell is for women who can’t read. No, no, not in general. But women who cannot read the sign which says ‘3 garments only’ at the trial room. Now while this might be mainly for security, it also helps because it doesn’t make sense for one woman to set up home in a Trial room, changing into and out of 20 pairs of clothes in one go. But they do, they still do. And sometimes, they argue with the assistants saying they will keep their bag full of clothes outside the door, and take only 3 in at a time to try. Such amazing explanations make my face into the smiley which is basically the colon followed by a straight line.
As the name suggests, it is the opposite of Reducio (what? You don’t know Reducio? Read Harry Potter.) will make them grow by gigantic proportions so NONE of the clothes they try, buy, or own will EVER fit them. For that matter, the only clothes which will fit them will have to be specifically manufactured for them in a factory set up for them. Then all trial rooms are their’s to rule.
Ooh, I like this one. Ok, so have you gone to Tea Point for your daily cuppa? Of tea, or coffee, or Bournvita, or even licking sachets of sugar (yes, people do that apparently, and if you read blogs I think everyone should, you should know this person already)? Well, when I go there for my ‘badi chai’, I patiently take a look around to see who is already there, and till each of those person has gotten their chai/coffee/whatever, i don’t even open my mouth. I don’t, really. But there are people, who come from behind, extend their money from over my very annoyed shoulder and ask for what they want. When the guy places a cup on the counter, which could be for anyone, mind you, the menu is not exactly from Kamath Hotel, said person will also say ‘Excuse me’ and proceed to pick the cup from over the even more annoyed shoulder.
What does this spell do? Aaha. So like Petrificus Totalus, this is a partial petrifying curse. It will make the hands of this annoying creature immobile the moment they have paid for their order. So even if it is their tea, and there is no one around, they cannot pick it up, nor can they tell anyone about it. They can talk about anything else but not this. So basically, money’s lost, they look like jack-asses, and no tea. FOREVER (to be read as an evil whisper).
You gotta love this category of people by the way. Love them. I mean, fine, so all elevators lobbies will have two buttons to call the elevator, up and down. So? Well, you press up, when you want to go up, and down when you want to go down. So? Nothing. Simple right? But no. It might be simple, doesn’t mean it’s a rule right? Come on, it’s fun to press buttons! Come on, what do I do when I am waiting for my elevator, I am bored!
This spell is for the buttons inside the elevator and gets activated as soon as anyone presses both the buttons on the outside. When this person enters, and presses the number of the floor he wants to get to, it will simply not stop. No, it won’t. Too simple a spell you say? Well, it might be simple, doesn’t mean it’s useless right? Right.
I mentioned these people in a post sometime back. I have been writing too many posts to know when. Anyway. these are the people who mistake the horn on their car or bike to be accelerators. For the vehicle in front of them. Sometimes invisible even. They also assume that people enjoy stopping at signals and not moving, because not everyone wants to get to their destination obviously. And in jams, they think horns are these magic wands which will fix the source of the issue. But horns are not magic wands . These spells are.
So this spell, for every unwarranted beep of a horn, will return the favor with five beeps, inside the ear of the perpetrator, at strategic points of time, the more ill-placed the better, within the next 24 hours. If the said person has been unreasonably annoying, this might also be modified to longer beeps throughout the hour, day, or even week. The end result is hoping for deafness, atleast partial, or more discretion over the use of the horn in future, whichever comes first.
That’s my list for now. It might (will) increase because there will never cease to be people who totally deserve to be jinxed. That would be magic in itself.
So where can I find my application forms?