Of late, I feel that I am way angrier than I am usually. This is an important thing to note, because I am in general an angry person. And to say that I am ‘angrier’ than usual, well, let’s just say, it’s a scary thought. For me and the world at large, the part of it that faces me.
The scarier part is that this increase is in both volume and intensity. I will explain this with an example. I am not sure if I have mentioned this before, but I usually commute to work, which is a mere 2 kilometers away, on a bike. This takes me nearly 20 mins, which makes no mathematical sense but I have already explained it. Our office has neatly demarcated parking spots for bikes, and they are sufficient in number – of course some spots being a bit farther from the elevator lobby than the others – by which mean additional 20 steps at most. But, some morons are too lazy to make that effort, so they park their bikes at an angle perpendicular to the spots, because of an assumption I think, that the parking lot belongs to their father. This also means that the regular idiots, who park normally, cannot remove their bikes.
The first time this happened, I sighed, got mad, wedged myself in the tiny space, pulled my bike out, and tried pulling his bike a bit, bruised myself, and eventually left a good 10 minutes later, which sucks when you have had a long hard day at work. The second time, I pulled my bike, banged it against his, and kept banging till it moved enough to give me the space I needed – this time there was no bruising. Last night, when it happened a third time, I did all that I did the second time, and then finally took time to write and leave him a not so polite note, which basically explained how the world would be a better place if folks like him did not exist. I could feel my ears grow warm, and I am sure if I were fairer complexioned, one could see my face turn brilliant red. Also, all this while I was wondering if I should so some physical damage to the vehicle to make up for my mental trauma – and while I decided against it, the fact that I thought it is pretty alarming.
In terms of volume, the examples are not as worrisome, but they still are. Like, I pretty much wake up angry, but that might be because I am not a fan of waking up in general. Very small instances and interactions at work make me mad. By default, anyone more than 5 minutes late to any prescheduled meeting, without the courtesy of informing that they will be late, makes me hopping mad. What makes me angrier, to the extent that I completely write off the person involved in my head, is the casual manner in which they brush it off like nothing happened – like it’s the norm, and that it should be expected. Unfair expectations make me angry, though I know these can be handled with a basic push back (which works in my case), and I always spend a good half hour angry that the expectation came up in the first place before handling it. People not taking work seriously, not owing things, not caring about what they do – all of this makes me SO angry I often wonder if I am actually as disconnected from work as I think because if yes, why do I take everything so personally? I am getting ruder, snarkier, and unfortunately guiltier, because this is not me.
In addition to this there are the regular things that most people complain about or worry about, but I choose to be angry about. Like the weather, or water problems, or a packed weekend, the numbers on the weighing scales, the lack of will power, the fact that I don’t do enough, the general state of the world and of course my mid-life crisis. That would explain the permanent scowl on my face, which folks have actually asked me about – it’s all because I am constantly thinking of what is wrong with the world and why everything sucks so much and it makes me, well, angry.
But yes, I am taking baby steps to control it. Cutting myself off where I am not required to be as involved. Stop taking everything personally; try getting the proverbial thick skin. It’s not easy as it sounds, and I am struggling to keep my calm. But I am trying. And hope and pray and wish that my low blood pressure condition ensures that my brain doesn’t hemorrhage in the interim.