My mother asked me how is that I haven’t written at all about these extremely weird times. I told her that I hardly write anyway these days, so that could be it. Or maybe, it is also that these times have had this unusual effect on me (and as I understand a lot of people around), that has put a pause on the usual. Writing, seemed normal sometime ago, and all you needed was time, a topic (not necessarily in my case) and ofcourse, the intent. Now, the former two are available in abundance, but the last one has disappeared.
I read some place, has to be one of those thousands of forwards we receive everyday, that the sort of lethargy the body feels right now, despite maybe not exerting it as much since you are home most of the time, is the body’s response to grief. We are unhappy. And this overarching sense of doom (doom is a very big word I guess, maybe this sense of being utterly lost) – kills the enthusiasm, the positive vibes, everything that makes the world seems a fairly nice place to be in.
Anyway. I last went to work on 12th of March. And I last stepped out of the gates of our community for a grocery run on the 20th. Since then, there has been no going anywhere, no meeting anyone. It is amazing, how I am not ok with this set up, because I am the kind who needs a rest day (with minimal social interactions) after every 2 full days spent with people – at work and otherwise. So technically, I should be ok. But nope, I am not. I guess there is only so much of the same old rooms one can take. And like everyone else, I am exhausted.
My reading mojo practically disappeared the day we went on lock-down. I have been spending all my team on Instagram and maybe a bit of Whatsapp. I tried art, I tried my hand at the keyboard, but all the time and resources still don’t add up to interest – when you are in denial of things that are.
The plus (and minus) of this whole situation is everyone is in the same state. So there is still scope to be inspired by what the others around you are doing. And try add value to yourself in someway. But like I said, my physical self is refusing to go above and beyond. I am absolutely ok doing the household chores (I’m almost a pro), managing Zo, getting my work done, and also sneaking in a workout (my one good thing). But I practically refuse to do anything, anything else that these ‘positive’ forwards of the world, say we should be doing.
When the lock-down began, you could see a million time-tables floating around, with people having an hour by hour schedule of what their children were to do for the day. And then, soon after, I read a couple of forwards, one of them sent by Zo’s school itself, that instead of trying to make stringent schedules to ‘make the most’ of the time for the children, at this time, we should just let them be. Because this situation is just as difficult, just as new to them too.
I have taken that stuff to heart, and not just for Zo. For myself too. I do not want to use this time add value to myself. I do not want to do all that I wanted to do before, but didn’t have time for. I do not want to learn something new. I do not want to acknowledge that this may be ‘nature’s way of healing’. I do not want to believe that this might all be for the best. Because for me, it is not. I liked things as they were. And now that they aren’t – I am going to do just one thing.
Accept it, and let it be.